Pre-Rationalizing

Here’s what we know about Friday in Iowa: That noise we’ll hear is the “giant sucking sound” of the candidates, advisers, reporters and other tourists getting out of Fort Dodge and all the other hick towns. It’ll be time to say goodbye to the white people of this unrepresentative state and move on to the white people of equally unrepresentative New Hampshire.

What we don’t know yet is the results in Iowa. What we do know is that each candidate’s advisers have prepared talking points for any outcome:

HILLARY WINS: “The people of Iowa have demonstrated they share America’s belief in steady leadership and experience. But the campaign is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. So Bill and I are off to New Hampshire.”

HILLARY DOESN’T: “The confusing rules of the Iowa caucuses make a definitive result impossible. But the campaign is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. So BILL and I are off to New Hampshire. Did you hear that, New Hampshire? BILL and I. The ‘Comeback Kids’ …”

BARACK WINS: “The people of Iowa are leading the way to a new era of change in our country.”

BARACK DOESN’T: “The first thing we need to change is this ridiculous ritual of starting the election season in Iowa.”

JOHN EDWARDS WINS: “This was a victory in the people’s struggle to take America back from ‘Them.’ It is a long march.”

EDWARDS DOESN’T: “This was just the first step in the people’s struggle to take America back from ‘Them.’ It is a long march. But before we get to March, we’ll need to survive January and February.”

BIDEN, RICHARDSON: “Oh, well.”

DODD: “How easy is it to break a lease in Iowa?”

Of course, when it comes to spin, Republicans are whirling dervishes. They’re also prepared:

HUCKABEE WINS: “The Crusade is just beginning. Onward Christian Soldiers.”

HUCKABEE LOSES: “The Crusade is just beginning. Onward Christian Soldiers.”

ROMNEY WINS: “I have always felt the people of Iowa spoke for the entire country.”

ROMNEY DOESN’T: “I’ve always felt the people of Iowa were out of touch with the rest of the country.”

MCCAIN: “Big deal. Watch me ‘surge’ in New Hampshire.”

GIULIANI: “Iowa? What’s an ‘Iowa’?”

THOMPSON: “Huh? What?”

If some of these seem lame to you, just wait till Friday to see how close they are to what we hear. And if you think these are dopey, wait till you hear the commentators and their explanations about why we should give a big damn.