Organized Fakery

“It is 3 a.m. The phone rings in room 871 of the Mayflower Hotel in Washington. Something is happening. Who will answer that call? What will she be wearing?”

Mark that down as a political commercial you will never see, except maybe on “Saturday Night Live.”

And for that matter, you can take Eliot Spitzer off of everyone’s short list for vice president. He is now about as likely for the Democrats as Larry Craig is for the Republicans.

Actually, both of them could help create that viable third party we have been waiting for for so long. It could finally offer that alternative to the S.O.P., the Same Old Parties.

Now, my fellow Americans, we have another possibility. VOTE HYPOCRITE. THE PARTY TO BELIEVE IN. Think of all the possible candidates: Spitzer, of course, and Craig, along with the likes of Gingrich and Vitter. They carry on the grand tradition of Strom Thurmond, Wilbur Mills and other historic voices of unrighteous indignation.

The candidates could all inspire support with the same common-touch slogan: “We Take Our Pants Off Just Like You Do.” There could be T-Shirts and buttons proclaiming “Phony Power,” maybe be even a raised clenched fist with the fingers crossed.

The only problem I can see is that the candidates would all be guys. Let’s face it, people, female politicians are simply not going to be treated the same as men until they too get so stupid about sex that they will risk everything for a roll in the hay.

It is time, though, to speak sincerely about insincerity. It is the force that propels our country and we need to embrace it. The Hypocrite Party would be a welcome change from the Democrats and Republicans who both share their own motto: “Don’t Get Caught.”