Time-Out

April 21, 2008
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, through her main message guru Geoff Garin, called for a “time-out” in trade. Garin made his remarks on “Meet the Press.” In 2007, American companies exported $652 billion in products and services, and according to a study commissioned by the Business Roundtable in 2004, one in five jobs is directly linked to trade. Ironically, it is the export sector that is keeping an American economy, rocked by a sub-prime loan crisis, afloat. Despite the overwhelming evidence that trade is actually good for the economy, Garin and his message team believes that a “time-out” on trade sounds good, no matter how stupid the policy might be.

May 1, 2008
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Happy with the results of the “time-out” in trade message, the Clinton campaign has called for a “time-out” in pharmaceutical drug manufacturing. Despite evidence that prescription drugs save hundreds of thousands of lives, the Clinton campaign has decided that the industry, which has long been controversial, should be punished. “These greedy drug companies charge way too much for their drugs. I don’t care how much it costs to develop them. We are going to mandate a time-out to teach them a lesson.”

May 5, 2008
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Increasingly desperate to catch the attention of voters, the Clinton campaign announced that she was going to call for a “time-out” in oil exploration. Clinton said that she wanted to teach the greedy oil companies that they couldn’t keep charging consumers what the market would bear, and if they were going to continue their greedy ways, they would have to take a break from searching for new oil. Confronted with the fact that prices would likely skyrocket with fewer supplies, she replied, “That is not my fault. That is the fault of those greedy oil companies. They have to learn how to share.”

May 15, 2008
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sensing that crime is becoming an even bigger issue in the campaign and that her opponent, Barack Obama, is weak on the issue, Hillary Clinton unveiled a stunning proposal. She called for a “time-out” for all gang members and drug runners. “I am calling on all gang members to go to their rooms and take a time-out from their naughty behavior.” Reaction from the leading members of the Bloods, Crips, Latin Kings, and MS-13 was the same: Hysterical laughter.

May 25, 2008
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sensing that her campaign was heading south, Hillary Clinton unveiled what has to be the biggest gimmick of the year to appeal to liberal Democratic voters: A time-out in the war on terror. She urged Osama bin Laden to join her in calling a time-out for peace. “The American people are sick of this war. I am sure that my good friend, Obama, er, I mean Osama, is tired of living in caves and eating ants for breakfast. I say let’s just have one big time-out, take a deep breath, and then decide if this is how we really want to live.”