Red Don: A drama of Russian intrigue and US politics

Scene: Interior, concrete basement somewhere in Moscow. Sometime in the 1980s. Several men sit around a long wooden table with coffee cups and stale donuts. The KGB is holding a board meeting.

Comrade Ivan: Thank you Comrade Alexi for that very interesting plan of glorious Soviet triumph in wheat production over dismal American capitalists. Ve all share your confidence that glorious Soviet production will soon bring the capitalist pigs to their knees. The slideshow showing mass starvation across American Midwest especially inspiring. Now to Agenda Item 4577, glorious Soviet incursion into the capitalist thieves’ den of New York City.

All (spitting on the ground): Ptoo…New York City.

Comrade Ivan: Comrade Sergi, your report. And do remember if this does not work, you will most likely be shot.

{mosads}Comrade Sergi: Thank you, Comrade. Our deep undercover agent, codename Dmitri Hamsterhair, is in place and functioning properly. His mission to undermine confidence in the American system of capitalism on track, comrades. His mission is to point out the absurdities and impossibilities of the American system so that Americans and their allies will no longer believe in it.

Comrade Ivan: And how is he to do this?

Comrade Sergi: Phase one of the plan is well underway. Dmitri Hamsterhair has used the system of fools to create the impression of a vast and powerful business empire for himself. He does it all: Cheats small businesses, takes things that are not his, strong-arms others by threatening lawsuits, refuses to pay taxes.

Comrade Ivan: So the classic evil capitalist?

Comrade Sergi: Da, comrade. But that is not all! He has products made overseas while — this will amuse you — railing against the loss of businesses in America. He even vishes to start a business in glorious people’s republic of Cuba breaking laws of own country.

All (copying Comrade Ivan): Heh heh heh.

Comrade Sergi: Dmitri Hamsterhair is expanding rapidly, although he has no talent and leverages himself to such a degree that disaster is sure to come. His business empire will collapse, leading to the glorious collapse of the American economic system!

All (banging their chipped coffee mugs on the table): To the collapse of the evil capitalist pigs!

Comrade Ivan: More vodka for our coffee cups!

(An aide brings in a gallon jug of vodka)

Comrade Sergi: I am very pleased with the progress of Operation Hamsterhair, gentlemen.

Comrade Ivan: But wait, comrade. You thinking too small! 

Comrade Sergi (nervously): Nyet! Not too small. Is glorious accomplishment!

Comrade Ivan: Da! Too small. This genius of the glorious Russian revolution can be used to undermine American democracy itself.

Comrade Sergi: Sir, we have already in place Hollywood, California for that!

Comrade Ivan: Silence! Here is the plan. First, Dmitri Hamsterhair continues with bad business activities. Maybe add some groping of women in, some nookie on the side.

Comrade Sergi: Nookie?

Comrade Ivan: Bang-bang. Sexual prowess. Conquests. Divorce his adoring wife in huge scandal. Then Hamsterhair must become a celebrity. Get him on television, the radio, whatever he can. Let him say outrageous things. Let him boast of scandalous behavior. Let him be a dog.

Comrade Sergi: He is a dog already, comrade.

Comrade Ivan: Excellent. Then, when Phase Two is complete, let him run for President of United States of America. 

All (shocked to near silence): Ooohhhh.

Comrade Ivan: Yes! Bold plan! Glorious plan! And let his speeches be gibberish, his positions nonsense. Then all the world will see what charade is American democracy. The evil American system will collapse and the world will be ours for the taking.

Comrade Sergi: And the glorious Soviet Union will rise to the heights of glory, filling the world with the people’s revolution! I see it now. Is glorious! 

Comrade Ivan: Alas, you will not live to see it, Comrade Sergi.

(Guards come in and drag off a screaming Sergi.)

Comrade Ivan: Comrade Vladimir, what say you about our new plan?

Comrade Vladimir: Is brilliant, comrade. I will personally take charge of Dmitri Hamsterhair project. You can depend on me, sir.

Comrade Ivan: I know, Vladimir. I know.