McCain Wins

WASHINGTON — The world mourned today as Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) won a stunning come-from-behind victory over Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.), 52-48, taking over 300 electoral votes.

Upon hearing the news, MSNBC Host Keith Olbermann collapsed on the air and was rushed to the hospital. (News reports from the hospital confirm that doctors examining Olbermann could find no evidence of either a heart or a brain, just a bunch of blue wires — story below.)

Hillary Clinton immediately put out a statement that congratulated McCain, and announced that she was running for president in 2012. “Congratulations to my good friend John. I can’t believe he won, but I am happy for him. And, to all my friends out there, you bet your sweet ass I am running in 2012.”

Joe the Plumber announced that he, too, was running for president in 2012. “Thank God we stopped the socialist from winning. Now we have to make sure that the female socialist doesn’t win in the next election. And that is why I am announcing my candidacy for president.”

Vice President-elect Sarah Palin was reportedly weighing her options on how quickly she could announce she was throwing her hat in the ring.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson, who risked losing his leadership role as the man when it comes to civil rights, put out a statement thanking Barack Obama for his service to the country: “Thanks, Barack, for keeping the dream alive for a while. Now, stand aside and let a real man take the wheel. Get your skinny ass out of the way!”

French President Nicolas Sarkozy openly wept upon hearing that Obama lost and McCain won. When asked why he was crying when he himself called Obama’s policies immature and dangerous, Sarkozy winked and said, “Zat is what my people expect.”

Members of the news media who had openly backed the Obama campaign throughout the campaign took the news especially hard. Several were seen weeping uncontrollably on the air, and it was reported that hospitals were overflowing with reporters checking themselves in after suffering from panic attacks.

Joe Biden was rumored to be in good spirits. One source said that Biden was overheard saying, “Well, that is one international crisis we don’t have to worry about.”

McCain’s surprise victory was no surprise to one veteran political observer: “Look, three things happened. First, the polls were consistently wrong because they consistently over-sampled Democrats. Second, undecided voters broke for McCain just like I expected they would. And third, most Americans don’t want a socialist to be their president. Case closed.”

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